Sunday, March 14, 2010

doorway: inbetween silent earth and eternity

In an instant, I am at a standstill. An inbetween. A hallway, a cross between silent earth and a home I always long for. A home I have always longed for. I'm not frightened. I'm not puzzled. I know exactly where I am. This isn't the first time I've died. Or come this close. Life such a fragile state and I a mere freckle on the face of the earth. A door behind me leads me back to my life and one in front leads me to my impending future. I have always wondered if I had some kind of serious psychological condition. I live life in my mind. All adventures, all tales, they are a mere figment of my imagination. And I don't really know how to get out. I don't want to hold on any longer. I'm tired of the life in my psyche. I'm not just bored with life. I want more than this world can offer. Those I love never love me back. Why should I stay? There is no further purpose for me in this life. I want to go on to the next, more perfected one. I reach my hand out towards the door and the man appears behind me.

"What are you doing?" he asks, innocently. I turn around quickly and see the scars on him all over. Gashes, fresh it seems. "What happened to you?" I replied. "Waging war is never attractive or beautiful. Answer my question, if you please?" I looked at the my feet wishing I could evaporate in to the ground beneath."I'm moving on." 'Something's missing in me' is what I'd rather say. There's more truth in that statement. "Explain?" his eyes hold no question. He already knows. He always has. "I've lived my whole life a big mess. Things have happened and I could never do a proscribed thing about it. I always end the victim and this is only fitting. I want to go where it's perfect. Where I'll never feel lonely. Where I'll never have to hide again. Where love is perfect and returned. I'm empty. Something's missing in me." I looked down at my feet again. He moves closer and raises my face close to his, looking straight into my eyes. "Child, do you not understand? You are so stuck in your own head, in your own world. You're to love where there's none. You're to shine where there's no light at all. You're to laugh when mourning is inevitable. And sing when people scream. You're the love, you're the light, you will be one that people look to. You're not like everyone else. You don't belong there ultimately. You are one of few. There are others, but you. You are special. Set apart for this task. To be the very essence of love. To exude Love. To never waste love on the lovable. and really, if you consider it, no one is lovable by nature. You can come home to me. Or you can carry out the task I've laid before you. It's your decision to make. I won't make it for you." He then disappeared before a molecule of wit or logic could come to my very human (at the time) mind.

I weighed the options. Minutes crawled to a gradual screeching yield. I thought back to those who would miss my presence. My mother and younger siblings. Friends and relatives. And Deirdre. My Diana. My Istra, my heart. I would miss her. But I couldn't stand it here. Tears well in my eyes as I touch the doorknob. In that instance I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Please, child, at least give yourself a little time to think about it. I will let you roam the earth as a spirit. No one will know you are there but me and you. After 3 days, you may come back to me with your final decision." I nodded my head submissively and with a blink of his eyes, I was back to the forest. I watched as Deirdre cried over my body. I was there. But I wasn't. My lifeless body slumped over and moaned a last time. A sickening chill filled the air and Deirdre turned to face where I stood. She obviously could not see me, for I waved my hands in front of her face and she did not respond. "Addie, why are you leaving me?!" she cried and I began to weep. She shifted my body over on the ground next to her and lay down next to it, buried her face in my chest, and cried.
And in that moment, I felt like the worst human being to not live.